Is it my fault?

…that’s a question that occurs in my head at odd times.
Today is such a day again where I can’t just push it away.
I went to the endocrinologist to check my test results about the hormonal imbalance, amenorrhea and bone density.
I almost had the same feeling short before my MS got diagnosed: I knew already what the results will show and I was proven right again: I do have an ongoing osteoporosis already. It wasn’t shocking anymore but I got angry, angry at myself, yelling at me: It’s your fault, you and nobody else brought you into this situation.
Sure, it’s multifactorial but I refused myself since I was a child.
I refused to eat, I refused to become a woman, I refused to become emotionally and physically mature.
I tried to kill it by ignoring its – my – needs.
I know that the roots of this behavior and way of thinking weren’t my fault, they caused mechanisms to protect me, to give me structure and control.
But are they really necessary to maintain now?
I think MS, amenorrhea and osteoporosis are – at least partly – the bill of choosing wrong in awareness of what’s actually right.
I’m a clever, self-reflected person, why can’t I just take responsibility of my needs?
I also know that it won’t help me to constantly blame myself for misbehavior, the opposite would be right: patience.
It’s not over yet, I need to see it as a sign: my body cries for help.
You read that in every shitty lifestyle guide: be patient to yourself, rest, listen to your body.
Thanks, I fucking know.
But maybe this is another turning point: my emotional scars turned into physical scars and if I maintain to ignore that it’s high time already, I won’t “just” die emotionally.
So no, it’s not my fault that brought me into this situation but it’s my responsibility to chose the direction now.

I’m the captain.

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