How good is the future if I haven’t had a presence?

I feel like being short before another mental breakdown just because of my effort to do everything right for my future self.
I got lost in another tornado of “what ifs”.
About 2 weeks ago I decided to gain weight to get my period back – which is not the easiest task under OMS guidelines. After eating three times as much for about 10 days I didn’t gain a single gramm.
I skipped lunch in the past pretty often so I agreed on having at least 3 meals + snacks and focus on intuitive eating. What happened was a state of continuous overeating especially before bedtime.
I feel sick since then, my skin got bad, I feel constantly tired, my body hurts, my digestion struggles – I still stick to OMS (and that won’t change because I’m 1000% convinced of the concept) which is not a problem at all but I’m concerned about my intake of sugars (I also still eat only “natural” sugars) and amount of fats. So I lost myself in endless research about “how to gain weight on OMS” and “how much of xyz is the right amount a day” etc.
Eating became a full-time-job and I worry about everything – is soya still alright because it’s a phytoestrogen? Will my body start to produce own estrogen if soya mimics it? Should I avoid coffee because of the increased cortisol in fact? (But I love coffee.)
Is it right to eat 3 bananas and shitloads of other fruits if my bones and joints hurt so much that I almost can’t sleep? I mean fructose is also sugar and that increases inflammations in high amounts, right? Am I eating too much of it? Is it alright to skip exercising because everybody says sports is stress and you need to avoid it to get your period?
I feel like it’s the opposite.
I’m so stressed out by the concern for my future self that I don’t realize what’s good for me now, for my present self, just right now.
It’s the main question in my life which is so hard to answer most of the times (no matter if it’s for the good or bad):
Am I doing this because of future consequences or do I really want to do it … I mean by heart?

Honestly I think I was just on the right track before I received the results of the bone density test. Actually I wish I hadn’t done it.
I felt comfortable with my body again and I didn’t lose a relevant amount of weight in the past years and I wasn’t starving either, I even started to eat more again because I didn’t want to lose weight.
Unless all the bad news I’ve received continuously, I was confident and hopeful again and I think my period would have been coming back either way, just because I wasn’t so stressed anymore, I’m eating healthy fats and my Vit D3 level is super fine again. All that are relevant parts of a healthy cycle too.
And now I lost control in crazily trying to stay in control again.

Well, all that made me realize that I could gain 10kg and still won’t get my period back – maybe I’m even provoking another MS relapse because I worry so much about probably provoking it – it’s another self-fulfilling prophecy.
I’m going through insomnia and superficial sleeps again just because I worry so much about getting enough sleep aka “You need to sleep 8h, otherwise your cortisol level is way too high, you will be stressed out and therefore you won’t get your period (and probably another relapse)”
Isn’t that ridiculous?

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